Lots of things, some related, some not…

Various things:

I’m at 99% done with show prep. I’ll finish on Thursday. This makes me happy. Other stuff, not so much…(read on if you want to; I talk about my health challenges, the death of a friend, and my reactions to those)

So, I’m not actually unhappy; I’m generally a pretty happy person. I am sad, and in the same breath, scared out of my socks.

The sadness comes from the death of my friend, Velma. I am mourning her loss – it has hit me far harder than I would have. In fact, I wasn’t actually aware that she was as sick as she was – she shared that with people closer than the two of us were; and that’s the strange thing. She & I weren’t really close. We’d had a very long, but very sporadic online flirtation, and finally met in 2011. I think we spent a total of less than eight hours actually in each other’s company, and we didn’t communicate much after, for various reasons. I was also aware that the possibility of any serious romance with her was pretty much nil, due mostly to our respective locations. But I liked her a great deal, and have enormous respect for her. I can really only guess why her death has hit me as hard as it has – I’m strangely not able to sort it out yet. I think it’s mostly sadness for missed opportunities, for not being able to see her again, ever, and my concern for her husband, who has other challenges besides. And this is the second friend I’ve lost to cancer this year. It hurts like acid; I’m sure I’ll get over it, eventually, but damn, right now? Not so much.

The other thing I have going on is Yet Another Health Challenge. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes in early 2008. That scared me – I lost about 25lbs immediately, changed my diet (some) and eventually, the fear went away; I became complacent, and some of the choices I’ve made, diet-wise have proved to be not so good. I have cut way back on my sugar and carb intake, but I’ve been “cheating” too much, and my A1C has gone back up into dangerous places (it’s since come down a bit) the last time it was measured. Then, last week, I had a talk with my endocrinologist. Therein I learned that the “protein leakage” from my kidneys was very seriously elevated: that is, four times what a healthy person should have (healthy = 50; I’m at 200 – renal failure occurs at 300). So, although I’m getting my sugars under control, I’m eating far too much. I have a choice: ignore this and eventually end up on dialysis (or dead early) or get my food habits under control , for real, and Get The Fuck In Shape, again, for real. This is scary stuff for me – I’m fat, very out of shape, and I’m 49 years old with some inherited bad genes.

So, I’ve found a gym that actually works for me – above all, it is convenient. It’s 5 minutes from work. I have a permanent locker, and I have laundry service for my workout gear. I’ve also shelled out for a high-end trainer (who is also a nutritionist). They have all the latest gear. And a spa. And a healthy cafe. And an outdoor, heated, saltwater swimming pool. I had my “intake session” today. First real workout will be Friday evening. The downside is that it is Not Cheap. I’m just glad I can sort-of afford it. I’m pretty focused on this stuff right now. I need to figure out how to make this a way of life change – to keep going when it’s no longer new, when it gets hard, when I get lazy. I’m all fired up at the moment – but three months from now? Knowing myself, that is scaring me. I have to find a way to make this change take, and I’m worried that I won’t. I think that tracking my progresses will help, as well as setting realistic milestones as goals (the primary goal being to get rid of the diabetes, which is doable, but not easy). So, if you know me, any and all encouragement is accepted. Oh, and I get a fair number of day passes and three-day complimentary memberships, so…

And that’s where I’m at right now.